Don’t you think that it’s odd  that so many folks want to escape, or feel a  deep compulsion of not wanting to be here anymore, or want to kill themselves, after tons of
satsang or dharma talks? 

You may not have noticed this; I notice things like
this. And I really want to put some light on this, actually common, experience.  I think it’s perfectly natural,  and I don’t know why it has to be
so taboo to talk about wanting to die, or to imagine how you would do it. Most of us imagine suicide at some point—usually
when we are teenagers. Some of us know folks who have done it, we consider it,
we wonder about it . . . and why wouldn’t we, its so painful to live! Maybe that is why, because it can be so painful, the fear is that if we talk about it, we would all do it! 

But I want to mention that those very real considerations, those
very real suicidal impulses, are conditioning, are a very specific kind of
 programming in the system.

I know a lot about this, because my body was full of this
programing. I had no idea until I woke up. And, well, there were a couple of
years in there postawakening that I had to struggle not to throw myself off the
twenty-second-story balcony of my apartment. Some days all I could do was
breathe and try to not throw myself off the balcony.  So, after a couple
of years, and the fact that postawakening I primarily see things at the quantum
level, I’m now kinda the expert on it.

So let me tell you, and then you can tell others, what suicide
actually is. I’m very passionate about getting the word out, so I am going to
ask you to help me do this.

As I mentioned, our pain, our karmic pain body, has three layers.
One of those layers is an emotional field. And to be accurate here, at the
quantum level, imbedded in that field is a programming. A code if you will. A
code that will activate when necessary. There is a grand system at work for
ourselves. A system of protection, it represses or blocks pain that is
perceived to be beyond our ability to process; whether that is true or not is
actually up for grabs. Regardless, this is the message, and pain gets tucked
away for a later day, presumably when we have the space and ability to process.
And an emotional field grows around this owie. And then every time something,
someone, or some life event reminds us of this pain, or “triggers” us, we feel
a jab from this emotional field.

So the impulse of suicide is programming, is this code, this byte
of information, planted inside the emotional field of this pain.. The code
basically reads: “Under no circumstances is this pain to be felt or
experienced. Everything that can be done to avoid feeling this pain will be
done. Even if we have to terminate the organism, we will prevent this pain from
emerging.”

That is the programming. And interestingly enough, it’s kind of
random programming. Because if you actually unearth the pain or owie—either
through touching it with your tenderness, or reliving the pain—you will see
that some enormously painful owies don’t have this programming in the emotional
field. For example, when your uncle molested you when you were twelve: no
suicide programming. However, the owie when you were five and not allowed to
wear your favorite green shirt: there is it, suicide code. It’s very random.

Real suicidal impulses are simply this programming at work.

So know this: It’s just some random, primal coding in the system.
And then ignore the coding, ignore the impulse. See it for what it is, just
some random code, and go forth through that emotional field into the physical
layer to dissolve the pain and get healing.

And please, let’s all talk about this. Let’s share the details of this
suicide code. Perhaps if we can acknowledge that it’s natural to talk about
death, that considering death is just as normal as considering birth, we can
begin to heal it.  And worth noting….when we get still, quiet, and
contemplative, say, like after ten hours of dharma talks, the pain can begin to
surface, repressed emotions can begin to surface, and up comes the random
suicide programming with it. We might all be lucky like that, I guess.
Nevertheless, don’t get all involved with it; just know it’s part of the coding
of the pain, and get to the physical sensation where your tenderness can touch
it, and help dissolve it.