Its been said so many times, there are no words to describe this experience. There is no beginning, no middle, no end. Because there is only this one moment, this taste…ahhh, there is goes, escapes before I can hold it. And another fills it. So complete, so full, so without any trace. And there is no need for traces to be made, to trace a path, or evoke the experience, because we only miss another moment of this fullness in the meantime. Here we all are, so plump full of this very moment, with its taste, smell, various emotions, various hungers, and sensations. We are all so full that no one is able to stand outside of it and to make complete observations about it. Not really. But we try, and fail, and darn…we missed another mouth full of this fullness. Too busy living it, too busy being it, but the fullness desires to be expressed, so we try…but essentially we are too busy to capture it just right. Tried to, failed, and NOW… just too damn full again.
There are a million platitudes. There are millions of facebook quotes on a “NOW” moment. The 30 second sound bite for an evolved spiritual outlook is everywhere. One day, very soonish after I disappeared and stillness remained, I went for dinner with a friend. I had very little to no words, there was no “me” to tell “you” I died. I just was stillness. I just lived and breathed and was the full embodiment of each moment. And so, for some goofy reason, I got to bear witness to her telling me all about what enlightened people are like. It just kinda came up. So I got the story…..”They are very happy all the time, they have no worries, no problems, they are very still, they can sit for hours and never get sore. They are…blah, blah, blah”. The story of the happily-ever-after that we can all achieve if we are good enough, pray enough, cleanse enough, are reborn enough. Its the creepiest and most distorted story. But that’s the story. It doesn’t include any truth, because the full embodiment of NOW can certainly include jealousy, and rage, and sadness, it can also include sore bodies, and uncertain outcomes. Eckhart misses plane connections, Amaji gets food poisoning, Papaji worked 10 hours a day at heavy manual labor. But the reality of enlightenment does not save a place for that dream of peace. Its unimaginable and unpalatable to imagine that peace is right here, in the middle of road rage, or on the dentists chair in pain. That the broken heart can have anything to do with Enlightenment. That the most alive and real moments we have, are all the same. And for those of us who are awake, we get to fully embody it without any filters or distance. And inside that embodiment is the full grace of peace, regardless what it looks like. But who the hell wants to hear that story? And so 100 times a day, the truth of an embodied awakened life is disregarded, for something that is far more pretty, like a Hollywood movie, and posted in a 30 second sound bite.
And so it goes that we are ever unfolding into ourselves, into our evolution, into our future. We are ever expanding, regardless of being enlightened or not, regardless of practicing, of wishing, of manifesting, regardless even of sitting on our asses, asleep at the wheel.And at the same time we are forever kinda incomplete to the “idea” of what or whom we desire to be. And in this tension, whether its conscious or not, we create…Everyday is a beautiful creation from the position of “lacking” “hurting” “striving” “incomplete” in bold or subtle ways, and therefore always some kind of movement towards feeling somehow complete. And in this, is the creation, is the evolution. A very constant motion of living…a very constant motion of creation. And ironically, your perfect, completeness includes a movement of trying to feel complete. And from God’s point of view, you are welcome to stop and feel complete in this very moment, and you are welcome to stop and feel incomplete in this very moment. Either way, its all the Same. Perfect now, imperfect now, its up to you, cuz in reality..Same Same.
Six years ago I died. I died into a bliss. In a moment, sitting on the bed, changing shoes for a date, and suddenly I was gone. A spontaneous and complete Awakening it later became known as…sort of. 3 days later when this spaciousness that used to be my body found that body, it wrote, ” Such a strange death this is, a suicide, I have died into bliss.” Slowly some others found me, or I found them and with support I began to learn how to live in the bliss. How to live without identification, how to live primarily as space. Its not at all what you think…
The years go by, each week someone loved shows up and says”talk to me, share it with me, help me.” One friend in a dark, sad, place recently said ” please let me ride your wisdom through this part”. So in love I reach out. I have no idea how to share, how to help. I have no idea most of the time what the hell I am doing. That’s part of how this life goes…that’s the part of being “Present” they never tell you about. But perhaps you know it already, for yourself, in your own way…late at night when you admit to yourself, you don’t know what the hell your doing….It may scare you, but I guess I’m here to say….you may just be on to something there.
So, with my deepest love, here you go my friend
…some love letters to you.